She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I could make wine with my vomit
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
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