When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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