If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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