I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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