You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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