"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
