Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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