I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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