ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
