Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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