My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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