either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
