I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
