Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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