im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
