Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
