A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
