I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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