that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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