who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
