you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
