you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
