Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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