im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
