this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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