Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
