you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
COCAINE IS GR8
Randomize
