i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
