I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
