My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
