My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
