What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
