if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
organizing the empties. That sober.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
