i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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