I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
