I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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