stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
