my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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