Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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