If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
