I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
