just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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