Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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