My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
