New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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