I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
