the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
