If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
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