looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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