just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
what day is it and did you see me today?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
