He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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