So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
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I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
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Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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