Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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