you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
