it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
